The King of Holidays’ visit to Menapeeti, Idaho almost turned tragic yesterday when he sustained a gunshot wound to the chest and was rushed to a nearby hospital.

Santa Claus, 210, of the North Pole, was shot in his room around 1:15am after he allegedly attempted to sexually assault the Tooth Fairy. The alleged event took place at the Witherspoon Inn, where the group was staying for the Holiday Icon Conference.

Ms. Tooth Fairy remarked blankly, “Yeah, I shot him. He was all over me.”

Santa was in town to deliver his annual speech, “Belief in the Age of Post-Modernism: How Ghosts and UFOs Work for You”. He was rushed to Winding River Hospital in nearby Boise, where he is in stable condition.

Mr. Claus was last seen at the hotel bar, Waterfalls.

“He and the Tooth Fairy were getting really friendly and they kept ordering shots,” a man identifying himself only as bartender. “I wondered what she was doing with him. He’s three times her age.”

“This is a tragedy that affects the whole world,” a tearful Mrs. Claus declared from her North Pole home. “How pathetic that this woman has to take out her frustrations on him, just because he is a more popular holiday icon. That worn-out hag will never replace him. Santa lives on forever.” Mrs. Claus refused to comment about the alleged sexual assault.

This reporter had the chance to interview Ms. Tooth Fairy in her cell.

Chauncy Speakeasy:Tell me about the evening. You and Santa had drinks together? Then what happened?

Tooth Fairy: Well, we had a lot to drink and I hadn’t eaten all night. He said he had lots of cookies in his room, that he freezes the ones all the kids give to him. I thought he was a sweet old man. So we sit down and he gives me some cookies, he starts to tell me how lonely he is, how he and Mrs. Claus don’t even touch each other anymore. How long it’s been since, well you know…

CS: So you knew what was going to happen?

TF: Hell, no! I was still eating cookies. Man, it is such a blur. Next thing I know, I can smell his herring breath and feel that scratchy beard all over me.

CS: Then what?

TF: He shoved me down, called me his little “ho, ho, ho”. Pulled up my little blue tutu.

CS: Wow, I don’t think any of us have ever thought of Santa Claus that way. Those are pretty serious allegations.

TF: I’m not making any of it up. I mean, why would I? And why would anyone shoot Santa Claus? Risk being a pariah for the rest of eternity? The man is a legend, you know?

CS: I know. So what happened?

TF: Okay, so he’s all over me, right? And I can’t take it anymore. I hear voices in my head, people saying how I must have wanted it, how I wouldn’t have been up there if I didn’t. Suddenly, boom!! Lightning. And he looks so surprised when he flies off me, like a big fat white bird, soaring. It was almost beautiful.

CS: So you admit you pulled the trigger…

TF: Have you ever been assaulted? It is such a powerless feeling. Yeah, I’m glad I was able to get him off me, save myself from being taken advantage of. Of course. But Santa Claus? I mean, he was a hero to me, the king of the holiday icons. We all wanted to be him. Adoration of every child, people dressing up like him, expense account, the whole freakin’ North Pole to himself. I mean, do you know where I live? Or the Easter Bunny? Or Cupid? We all have these modest condos in obscure parts of the world. And those guys only work hard during their respective holidays. But kids lose their teeth all the time. I work 6-7 nights a WEEK! And forget about companionship. Men get tired of you having to leave in the middle of the night to pick up teeth. My last boyfriend thought the fact that I have to keep all those teeth to be quite disturbing. OSHA rules-I have to keep the teeth for 14 months before I can dispose of them in a “safe and environmentally friendly” manner. So yeah, I’m pissed off at Santa Claus. Can’t you see why?

Ms. Fairy, described as a wonderful, energetic and nurturing woman by her friends, is being held without bail.